This piece I created while studying Chakras and learning how to rebalance myself. It’s my 7 chakras swirling in a vortex of dark matter, with glimmers of healing light scattered about. Being a mom has broken and healed me repeatedly. It’s a constant dance of learning to do self care to be the best me I can be, and supporting and providing all my family needs of me too. What’s funny is the self care replenishes my energy so I have more to give my family and the world but it so easily can be put on the back burner when the demands and needs of two kiddos under 4 are at their peak.

This piece is composed of UV reactive paint, acrylic paint, floetrol, my breastmilk, isopropyl alcohol and gloss varnish.

This poem was written in 2018 … and still resonates for me.

The Body

Self love
Self care
Self sacrifice

Drag it around
Test its limits
Poison it

Passively through numbing
Actively through using
Destructively through abusing
Throwing blame for the pain

Life breaks us
And reforms us

Our outcomes
Determined by our reactions

Resilient
Adaptive
Miraculous
Mysterious
Creatures

Stuck in cycles of pain
Each day the same

Or
You
Can
Learn
From
The
Pain

The body knows you
Is you
Loves you

Yet you reject it
It’s calling out for help
You shut down communication
Ignore the queues
Rationalize excuses
Feel you’re unworthy

Because you compare yours to theirs
The ones edited to perfection
Filtered to just the right light and curve

Big feet, big hands
Notched nose
Thighs that touch
Zits and flush
Wrinkles, Dimples
Bumps, folds, and scars
Red dots, brown dots
Blue veins stark against a pale facade
Silver, pink and purple scar lines down a map of self analysis
That I pick apart as soon as the clothes hit the floor
Focusing on the minutia

Searching for the reason
My body looks this way
And not that way
Into the black hole of self doubt

You are so beautiful they say
I smile and give thanks
Inside Margaret starts
The List
Things that aren’t “good enough”
Every time a compliment is given
Margaret’s judgement is cast
Motives pondered
And questions unanswered
Why not just embrace the gesture?

All they see is fair skin, blonde hair, and blue eyes
Then don’t perceive the lack of visible
skin
My face, neck, and hands in view
The tights, long sleeves, and sweaters
Hiding my faults in a shroud of disguise
Wondering what they really want

Working to pull back
To zoom out
See the full picture
Stop looking for all the problems
Accept my transformation
Embrace the beauty

Why don’t I feel it?
I start to see it.

The anxious voice is the loudest
The one with fear for fuel
Sometimes I catch a glimpse
Reality sans fear
A body I’m building
A face I barely recognize
Maezy the Muse
Taunts me
Challenges me
Spurs me into action

Playful
Curious
And bold
Unicorn

The more I create
The more I let go
The more I know
There is so much more to learn
And this body is a miracle
In every state it’s in

Thank you for your patience
While I figure this shit out
Listen to your queues
And embrace the love
And recognize the truth
I feel pretty, oh so pretty
And witty… and…